Marriage is not about winning arguments—it's about winning the relationship. When couples fight dirty, they end up prolonging their pain and creating lasting wounds and rifts, but when couples fight fairly, they actually build more understanding and intimacy.

Fighting fairly means conveying your point of view legitimately in order to achieve a consensus.

Eights Rules of Fighting Fairly

1. Never use name-calling, slurs or insults. Also, don't make fun of your partner's body, weight or other things over which they have no control.

2. Never criticize character—criticize behavior. Never refer to the person as being a certain way, rather just refer to their behavior as being a certain way.

3. Never bring your spouse's family into an argument. This will only make your partner more defensive and less willing to hear your perspective.

4. Do not speak in anger. Control your behavior and calm down before you say anything you may later regret.

5. Don't cut each other off. Wait until your partner finishes, then state your point of view.

6. Don't yell. Shouting and screaming is especially harmful for children to witness. There's never an excuse for yelling.

7. Don't go to sleep without resolving an argument. The longer an argument is drawn out, the harder it becomes to end it. It's better to stay up all night and resolve your differences than to go to bed upset.

8. Apologize. If you hurt your spouse, you must apologize. Remember, marriage isn't about proving who's right and who's wrong—it's about having a strong, loving relationship.

Better to lose an argument and win a relationship, than win an argument and lose a friend.

It has been 2 weeks ++ since my last post. Things have been terribly terribly crazy for me. There's my Salsa Exam on 21 Oct, then my birthday on 22 Oct, then the Capoeira Workshop which started on 23 Oct and in 3 days in a row, then there's all the wedding preparation which I only have weekends to settle, my working days have been hectic as there are several events coming up in November which are in Turkey & Africa and there a loads of work to be done. So no nothing much can be settled during weekdays....

Anyway, today's post is not about details on how hectic my life has been. It is about how I am so frustrated that I'm not being heard and not being able to say things that I want to say. And not being able to get the other party to listen and understand what you're trying to say, is very very frustrating indeed. I would be like "Are you even listening to what I'm saying???" and if they say yes, then, why did they still get the wrong idea?? Am I telling it wrongly, or am I not speaking clearly? Or even in worst case scenario -you not being able to speak at all!! As the other person is so keen of talking that they did not even gave you the chance of replying/talking back. Then you started doubting yourself -maybe I am wrong, maybe I did not speak out my point clearly otherwise how did this misunderstanding/argument occured? After countless nights of wondering why, why, why, Thank God, suddenly today, this article fell down to my "lap" ;) On what is the difference between listening and hearing. I hope this article can benefit you the same way it benefit me. :) Here's for a better understanding and better communication in life...

How many times have you been frustrated by someone who is not listening to what you are saying? How many times have you frustrated others by not listening to them?

People tend to think that listening is the same as hearing, but the truth is, listening is hearing PLUS understanding.

Often times during a conversation we jump in to say what is on our minds even before we acknowledge or register what the other person is saying. This ‘butting-in’ short circuits the possibility of a mutual understanding between you and the other speaker, even if you did not deliberately set out to break the flow of conversation.

How do you know when a person is not listening? It is usually easy to sense this. Tell-tale signs are poor eye contact, shuffling feet, busy hands, and meaningless replies like, “That’s interesting…”, “Oh really?”, “Uh huh…” etc. A fake listener’s lack of interest in the conversation can also reflect an even more annoying reality – his or her lack of interest in the speaker.

Most people don't listen with the intent to understand, but listen only with the intent to reply. Even at work, where performance takes priority over relationships, listening carefully to understand the other person's point of view before you even think about replying is the key to productive communication.

Careful listening is difficult and takes practice to improve. Next time you get into a conversation, try to ‘care enough’ to understand what the other person is saying.

It has been like 13 days since my last post and the first thing you heard from me is disappointment news *sigh... I wanted to post something earlier, but what with the raya holidays combined with my internet connection that's very unstable and sometimes excruciatingly slow, had also contributed to my unwillingness and "malas" ness (laziness) to update my blog.

Anyway, back to my main story, just to make things clear before I start writing -it was a night of disappointment to me and me only -and not to anyone else. In fact to everyone else, it was probably the most enjoyable night ever and to tell you the truth it was kinda fun and entertaining. But to me, the night is the my most disappointing night of year 2008.

Date of Incident: 10 October 2008
Event: Company 10th Anniversary cum Annual Dinner 2008

Why do I dubbed it as my most disappointing night of 2008? Let me count the ways:

(1) Even in the 1st correspondence for the night, my name has been left out. I got to know from my department colleague who so graciously sent me the mass mail for my reference. Seeing that it has some exciting events and competition lined up, I have submitted my name for the Karaoke Competition.
(2) Even though I have submitted my name in the Karaoke Competition and participation has been confirmed, SUPRISINGLY my name is still left out in the 2nd correspondence in regards to the dinner itinerary. Funny how my name is stated as 1 of the participants, but the email is not even copied to me.... But copied to all of other staff....

(3) To my horror when my colleague forwarded me the email -I am the first participant to perform on that night. Yikkessss!!!!!

(4) I am again missed out in another correspondence in regards to celebrating staffs birthdays which falls in Sept & Oct'08 at the same night. Not only am I not included in the communication, my name was also not stated as 1 of the "babies" celebrating birthday in Oct'08 (Yes friends, if anyone is taking note, my birthday is on 22 October ;)). Instead of getting pissed off, I just send an email to inform the admin that my name has been left out, and even got a reply back that they apologize and has put my name on the list

(5) On the night itself, being the first contestant, my heart was beating like a jungle drum for human sacrifice and I was sooooo freaked out that on 1 of the high notes, I lose control of my voice and it cracked. Arrgggghhhh!!! Thank God everything else went smoothly. I gave a somewhat professional and confident performance even though I feel like sinking through the floor. But what the h*** even if you've made a mistake, better do it in style right? Heh

(6) Not expected -my name is still left out when they're calling for the Sept & Oct "babies" on stage. Urgggghhhh!!! When I asked veryyyyy niceeellllyyy to the admin -she said she had submitted my name to the MC (cum my HR whose the person who actually left my name out in the first place) and when I ask the MC -she said that that is the list that was given to her by the admin. Heh.

(7) The result of the Karaoke Competition really put me off guard. I got 3rd place ONLY. What's that? I should be glad I hear you say?? Well maybe if I'm competing in One in A Million or Malaysian Idol. But it is very insulting to lose to average singers who sang a very non-challenging song and didn't bring anything unique to it like I did. Oh and did I tell you I'm the defending champion? Now I know how Siti Sarah / Dayang Nurfaizah felt when they got eliminated. :p

Anyway, I did ask the judges in their professional decision, what makes me not the winner -and they say it's because my voice cracked at 1 point and the others who won over me -did not, even though they're performance are so-so and average only. Heh. Well, to be fair, the guy who won 1st place was quite good, but the 2nd was really nothing special! I even checked the criterias in the score sheet and the marks is from 1 -5 for (1) Voice quality (2) Performance (3) Appearance (4) Crowd Response. And believe me, despite the 1 time voice cracked, I got the other 3 criterias down-pat. The crowd cheered like crazy and I was utilizing the stage like a pro. Whilst the ones who won just stand there looking at the screen. Heh. Now, do I have the reason to be pissed off and insulted or not? Nevertheless I still put up a smile, go on to the stage to take my prize (but not even pausing to pose for a photo -i just want to get it done and over with), and congratulates the other 2 winners. Oh well, there's still next year. Now that I know their capabilities, I will not give any of them to win over me ever again. ;) Muahahahahaaa.

Am I a sore loser? Up to you how to judge it. But I am not going to be a hypocrite and pretend that I am fine with it when I'm not. Oh but there's 1 good thing that came out of this night despite the 7 disappointing points -it put my name on the company map again (the company is growing bigger and bigger and we have a lot of companies in the group) and I made new friends with people from other companies. This, I'm quite happy.

So there you go. Me rambling about the most disappointing night of 2008. Since there's 2 months more to go in 2008, I really hope nothing else in the near future tops this night. There might be people whose going to post bad comments about this, but hey i'm just voicing out my frustration, and as long as it did not bring any harm to anyone, please don't be too hard on me and gimme a break OK? ;) Signing out for now, until the next post, Take Care!!